When you act a fool...

Have you ever said or done something that later, agonizes your brain with how you could have handled it differently? Maybe you shouldn't have said that....or maybe you finally come up with just the right words to pack the punch. In many cases, wisdom over a situation comes with time. When you can look in from the outside, you see the situation completely different. We all act foolish at times, it is just part of the human experience. Many times, this is when we can and need to think about forgiveness. But what happens when you need to forgive yourself?

Many years ago, I was living a great life with friends surrounding me. We were all in similar phases of life, single or newly married, no kids, working day in and day out. We celebrated the highs and lows of life together, and we saw each other on a daily basis. Some people came and went, bosses changed, and life continued on. I have always been lucky to have bosses that believed in me, challenged me, and I worked hard. I would often be selected to teach others for staff development, and I really liked that role. It motivated and encouraged me, seeing others have light bulb moments. One of my friends was also really good at this role, and she was often selected to teach the staff as well, and over time, she was selected more and more. When I was in the confinement of some close friends, I said some unkind words about her, thinking I was just venting and could move on. Well, of course she found out about it. It cost me her friendship and even some other friends as well. When pride gets in the way, it makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do. When I could look back years later, I realized I was simply jealous. I wanted to do the things she was doing, and to be able to do them as well as her- she was incredible at what she did. My jealousy made me turn on her, and in the end, I lost. Our pride and emotions create these foolish games, so what do you do when you realize you were the fool?

A few years later, I wrote in my journal that sometimes I’m afraid to ‘give it all to God,’ because He might reveal things I don’t like. The thing is, God already knows all of our ugly anyway, so why be afraid? God is going to reveal the work He wants to do within us to make us better, not to shame us! And why reveal it to Him? It is kind of like admitting your sin. God wants us to reveal it to Him, because really that is us admitting it to ourselves. He is not going to punish you, condemn you, leave you…He is going to help you. Oh my goodness, that is all He wants to do in the whole world! And we all have sin and will never be good enough to be in God’s presence…but that is exactly the point of having a Savior. He loved us so much, He sent a Savior into the world so that we could be with Him. (John 3:16, Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8). But we won’t be open to growth if we can’t even admit our wrongs to ourselves. And sin seems like such an ugly word, but it is simply anything that turns us away from God. My jealousy and pride had done just that.

The reality is, from that bad moment, I started to bury myself in grief. Feeling truly sorry I had even stooped to that level, knowing things would never be the same, and feeling like a huge billboard was above me, pointing and saying, “Here’s a horrible human!” I hid myself for years after. I put up a wall between me and everyone else, because I was not going to make that mistake again. I did not want to hurt anyone like that again. God doesn't want us to close in on ourselves. He wants us to depend on Him to make whatever we need right again. What I needed then, was to hear from God.

Years later, when I could look in from the outside, I could see clearly. I was meeting with God every day at that point, and He was teaching me, little by little. Sometimes, we have a roadblock in our walk with God. It is not that He is not there, or won’t be there, but He has a little work for you to do to become even closer with Him. Sarah Young says it like this in Jesus Calling:

Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon (2 Corinthians 5:17). When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. (Jesus Calling, 2004, February 17 excerpt).

So as I started to get closer to God, this particular event in my life kept bugging me. I had tried to pretend it never happened, staying at a distance from people, burying my grief…but I couldn’t get away. It was a roadblock. As I learned more about how God speaks to us, I heard Him say in my spirit, “The only way to be free is to forgive yourself and reach out.” The best part is, I didn’t get all anxious and worked up, feelings I would normally have about any uncomfortable situation. I didn’t over obsess. That is how I knew it was from God, and not me construing some crazy idea. God convicts us in the gentlest way. I knew what I needed to do.

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand. Isaiah 64:8

So I sent that friend an email, a true apology, with words from my heart. God had me come head to head with my foolishness, and it set me free. He cleared the roadblock. He molded and shaped me along the way, giving me grace for my mistakes and understanding for how to move forward. God works for us in ways we don’t expect, teaching us through hard circumstances. When you feel like a fool, admit your mistake and apologize, no matter how much time has passed. Feel the grief through it. Ask God for guidance on how to rectify it gracefully.

Can you imagine our world if we could all do this a little more?

A fool’s proud talk becomes a rod that beats him, but the words of the wise keep them safe. Proverbs 14:3

We can guard our hearts from foolishness when we stay in step with God. We will still make mistakes, but perhaps we can prevent so much heartache.

Fools make fun of guilt, but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation. Proverbs 14:9

I still make mistakes, I still act a fool. But God has given me grace to continue to show up, try to make amends as best as I can, and learn from my mistakes. He can work out the details. He will show me what I need to do. The crazy part, after all that- my relationship with Him became even stronger.

See how He works?

For our good.

For us to know Him.

For us to be free.

And my friend….wrote me back, gracefully accepting my apology.

Put it into practice:

** I am not a trained counselor, doctor, or therapist. If you are struggling, it is advisable to speak to your doctor or a licensed counselor or therapist. (God is good with that decision too, by the way. He made people to help us when we are going through hard times.) This is my experience.**

• Bring any concerns before God, particularly about any relationships and hurt you may have caused (this is not about others’ actions causing you pain or hurt, but your action on others).

• Allow yourself to feel the grief, and bring it before God. Acknowledge it, and turn it over to Him.

• Even if you do not seek reconciliation, ask God to show you how He can bring peace to the situation.

• Write it down, and pray about it for a couple days to a week. When you have moments of clarity, write it down.

• Move to action when you feel immense peace and know in your heart what you need to do. It will be clear, perhaps all of a sudden.

Dear Lord,

Thank you that you give us grace for each day, and understand that we are human and make mistakes daily. I pray that You will open my heart to any situation You want me to rectify. Help me see it with fresh eyes and help me understand what to do. I pray for Your unspeakable peace that will move me to action. Thank You for your gentleness that helps me grow.

Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 Young, Sarah. Jesus Calling. Nashville, TN, Thomas Nelson, 2004, 2011.